Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Analysis Part Deux

It came to my attention today that my blog is slowly becoming an in-depth analysis of who I am. I'm starting to pull apart the inner workings of myself, while trying to maintain an honest composure through it all. Yes, I can be very bias from time to time, but can you blame me? When I blog, I'm completely and utterly out of my element as a person. The people that know me may read this and automatically go to the cliche good sense of humor, easygoing, laid back, and whatever else may be said. Yet, in person for the first time is a different story. I'm shy and soft spoken, only wanting to make a good first impression. Which is impossible when the only thing I can ever mutter is...

“Hey...” with an awkward, half-assed, right-side-of-my-face smile.

It really just ends with me looking like a total creep. My friends can vouch for this. So, this blog is really a chance for the people who don't know, kind of know, want to know, don't care but need something to procrastinate with, and last but not least, think this blog is stupid, but jokes on you fucker you're reading it.

So, now onto the main event. Jealousy.

Every single person on this great world has experienced jealousy. It's too natural of a feeling for someone to say it's never happened to them. The only possible reason someone would say they have never been jealous, is to make themselves seem like a better person. Which in the end is just to feed the fire of jealousy anyways. Now, I can say honestly say that I have two different types of jealousy within my somewhat capable mind. The first one being simply normal There is no “digging deeper” on this matter because it's basic jealousy. The only thing I can do is give you an example or two. Lets say one of my friends just got a brand new car, great job, new phone, basic things really. What do I feel? A small bit of hatred that is quickly drowned away by the sight of this friend happy. Easy enough to understand and no need to explain, but I do need to for the next. The next one can only be explained as completely irrational, and deals with the fairer sex. Too begin, I will quote one of my five best friends, Jared.

“You know. You fall for women like a fat kid off a bike with no training wheels. Fast and hard.”

This is entirely true. It's taken me far too long to finally realize , and be comfortable with this. I can easily say that there is no upside to falling so fast. I can name numerous downsides, but this isn't the time for that. What this is the time for is to talk about my unspeakable, relentless jealousy that comes with it. It's a terrible thing for no reason, and can be triggered by the simplest acts. An example would easily be a hug. No harm done, but for some reason it pushes me over the edge. Just pure hatred that boiling over. I never express what I feel in these situations. I just bury it down deep like a man, until I find myself in the fetal position crying like a three year old girl two hours later thinking...

“DAMMIT! Why not me? I deserved that hug from you. Not the best friend you lost contact with, who got lost at sea for two months during a category 5 hurricane, which capsized their boat leaving them a drift, then as sharks circled him/her a boat saves the day, but the boat ends up being from North Korea, which then leads him/her to be imprisoned for 6 more months then you just recently find out they are still alive when they show up at your doorstep! NO!!”

The above tragedy has never happened to any known acquaintances

So, hopefully you now understand from this short example how irrational this jealousy is. The worst part about it is I never use to be like this. I was never a jealous person when I was younger, and by younger I mean 3 to 4 years ago. I honestly think it happened when I came to R.I.T. Now, I thought hard and long (haha) and I can only think of one reason for it. During my first year at college I lived on a co-ed floor, and, like all stories, there was this girl. I can only say this, the crush that I had for her was astronomically immense. This is where it gets a bit hazy. I don’t know if it was the new setting, freedom, and or new friends, but jealousy grew. Anytime I saw her talk to, hug, high-five, laugh at, or any other simple human interaction all I thought was, Why not me? I never made an effort to do any of those things because I was petrified/intimidated/stupid. So, this is the answer that I can make out as to why I am jealous. Actually, not even really an answer, just a hunch. It really all goes back to the top. The only thing I could ever say to her was...

“Hey...” with an awkward, half-assed, right-side-of-my-face smile.

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